Types of Off-Roaders Part 2

11/5/2020
Akhil Nayak

The Import He has a big standard v8 engine import. Makes local 4x4s look like toys. Loves to rev the engine as a show of strength. The first guy to get beached and rescued. Loves talking about off-roading in the Moab desert. Talks in an accent till the 2nd peg. After that, it’s Malayalam/Punjabi/Kannada all the way.

The Bhakt/Chamcha He has a rare version of a common 4x4. Extremely patriotic towards a particular manufacturer. He only recommends vehicles from that manufacturer. Other manufacturers are useless according to him. He doesn't miss a chance to explain why his rare edition is so special. Drives pretty well on the trail. Not so much on the road. Drinks just enough to get high so he doesn't mumble during his "marketing" lectures.

The Know-It-All Has a standard 4x4 with a very powerful winch. Is a member of almost all off-road groups. He knows a lot of people in the automotive industry. Loves to share knowledge about 4x4s and off-roading. Sometimes mistaken for a proud SOB. Genuinely goes out of his way to help people. He has taken part in almost every OTR within 2000 kms of his town. Drinks anything and everything.

The Underdog Has a standard 4x4, stickered with witty one-liners. Used to be a trucker. Has immense hands-on knowledge about vehicles and their needs. Down to earth. He helps everyone and anyone. He doesn't speak much but is loved by all. Goes out of his way to collect and distribute food packets. He is the best driver but has never entered a competition. Drinks only rum because itsh the besht.

The Purist Legendary off-roader. Has at least 6 different machines. He comes in a different one each time. He loves to show pictures of all of his vehicles. He doesn't hesitate to get dirty but makes sure he cleans himself before getting back in the vehicle. Has won quite a few off-road competitions. Is known for his balls of titanium during recce. Has toppled a few 4x4s and wrecked a couple of jeeps. Only drinks single malt.

The I-know-what-I’m-doing Has a modified 4x4 with a lot of dents and scratches. He doesn't follow instructions. Yells at anyone who is standing next to his vehicle. Fails the first 2 attempts at crossing the obstacle. Flies through at the 3rd attempt. Finishes all obstacles without needing recovery. Jumps the line in the convoy. Is a general nuisance. Calms down only after he sees booze. Drinks very slowly.

The Whats-going-on Has a stock 4x4 with electric seats. Has taken part in at least 20 OTRs but drives like a newbie. Keeps asking questions to passing marshals as to why the convoy is held up. Stands really close to the winch line during recovery only to be yelled at by the marshals. Clueless as to where the tow hook in his 4x4 is. Doesn't drink unless it's mixed with Coke. Pepsi won't do.

The Rang-de-Basanti Turns up to every OTR in an open top 4x4. Has 4 co-passengers. Doesn't wait for the afterparty. He starts drinking beer the minute the first vehicle enters the trail. Usually seen with 2 guys standing at the back and one guy on the hood. He doesn't care if he is beached. Gets totally hammered before lunchtime. Is quiet for the rest of the trail. Doest attend the afterparty because all of them have slept off in the parking lot.

The Cheech n Chong Has a borrowed 4x4. Rolls joints every time the convoy stops. Sometimes stops the convoy to check out how green a particular leaf is. Has a truckload of snacks and water bottles in the back. Doesn't understand instructions unless you shout next to his ear at least twice. Apologizes profusely whenever he gets beached. Drinks one peg and goes missing.

The Baby Has a brand new 4x4 that doesn't even have registration plates. Extremely cautious. Scared at that start of every obstacle, dumbfounded at the end of each. Has a ‘this-is-what-i-was-missing-in-life’ look at the end of the trail usually with moist eyes. Drinks a lot and ends up crying because he should have gotten a 4x4 way earlier.

The Grandpa Has a bruised and battered 4x4. Breaks down after each obstacle. Usually fixable with a hammer and a screwdriver. Happily curses all the time. Has a pet bottle filled with some kind of alcohol mix. Doesn't hesitate to speak his mind. Is respected by all. Drinks with the younger guys to relive his youth. Is among the last men standing.

The Spotter Has a beautifully modified 4x4 but it's driven by somebody else. Usually walks the length of the trail cursing under his breath. Gives beautiful directions. Recovers beached vehicles in a jiffy. Knows the textbook procedure for winching but is miffed when no one follows it. Is totally covered in the muck at the end of the day. Is the first guy to make himself a drink at the after party.

The Passenger Has a modified 4x4. Hands over the keys to his friends so he can take pictures/videos of his vehicle. Loves to give confusing directions. Is usually blocking the convoy due to his photography sessions. Doesn't drink much but makes sure all his buddies are hammered.

Dr. Frankenstein Has a heavily modified 4x4 with parts from each and every known manufacturer. Impossible to know the donor vehicle. Easily out-performs the rest of the vehicles but has a breakdown just before the end of the trail. Gets a lot of questions on the mods but is very tight lipped. Only drinks potent self-made cocktails. Gets hammered by the second drink.

Characters are inspired by the various people I've met and made friends with in the last decade. It's a humorous blog, not to be taken seriously.


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